Learning How to Hold Myself
“Where is this baby?” She says now, sweetly, as she feels around my belly gently with her tiny hands.
For months, she scratched and clawed at my bellybutton as she nursed herself to sleep. I sat back and bit my tongue in pain and discomfort and frustration, only willing to endure because I knew soon enough she would drift off and we could both rest and relax for a little while. Those little nursing sessions were just one reflection of what was going on in our greater world. . . in the mother-toddler dynamic we were navigating for the first time together.
For about 10 months of toddlerhood, there was consistent struggle. I can’t say for sure if it was just typical toddler-ness, if it was teething, if it was stressors related to her cognitive growth, or, perhaps, it was just my attitude, my personal levels of stress and things related to my second pregnancy getting to us both. Either way, it was a period marked by exhaustion, frequent meltdowns, and feelings of utter despair on my end. Feelings and frustrations that felt like they would last forever.
I wanted to figure out how to “fix it”. I wanted help.
I tried everything.
But, nothing worked. And I didn’t know who to turn to.
I would wake up to her screaming around 5am. I would run in to get her, hoping to avoid a full out tantrum, only to find her throwing herself back down on the pillow already, telling me to “go away.” Of course, the second I went away, she would only scream louder and become more furious. I’d avoid changing her diaper and dressing her right away, given the state she was in. So, we’d nurse for awhile and then head downstairs to eat. But, as soon as it was time to go in her high chair, she’d lose it again. I couldn’t put her down. I couldn’t go to the bathroom. I couldn’t dress her. . . There was nothing I could do that wouldn’t trigger a meltdown.
And the meltdowns were longgggg. I tried every approach I had read about. I comforted. I stood by and took deep breaths, making sure she was safe, but giving her space. But, 10 mins became 20min which became 30min. . . and it was such painful suffering for us both. She didn’t want to be held and she didn’t want to be alone.
I was so lost.
And, as a full-time mama, it was pretty much always just me. I didn’t have any other help, besides for my husband, during the few breaks he got from work. So, Ellie had become hyper dependent on me and dependent on it always having to be mama. “Noooo, mama do it. Mama do itttt!!!” had become our daily (unwelcomed) mantra.
It wasn’t until Ellie’s first dentist appointment that we found a little glimmer of light. It turns out, Ellie had a TON of teeth coming in simultaneously. The dentist suggested giving her some Motrin. I have been doing my best to raise Ellie so naturally that pain medication never even crossed my mind. But, now the thought was there, and I drove straight to the pharmacy from the dentist.
I am still really careful and thoughtful about medicine, but not SO attached to my ideologies that I can’t let go a little and find some balance and relief. Let me tell you, sleeping through the night for the first time in a long time was life-changing. And it also made me realize how much Ellie had probably been suffering.
It’s been a couple of months now since we have exited that very painful phase. I almost still can’t believe those days were really that bad, now that we’re out of it. It feels like we’ve done a total 180 honestly (...okay besides for 5am cranky wake-ups). Ellie rarely throws a full out fit and if she does, it doesn’t last long. She is sleeping and napping better, gets in her chair and (sometimes) will get changed without a fight. . . as long as “Ellie do it!!!” Ellie pretty much always must “do it!!!” herself now. . .
I say thank you for this new phase every morning and every night now. I needed this relief and this confidence-boost so badly. I had really just about broken down after so many days of despair and exhaustion. Now, we have a new flow and dynamic and I am taking deeper breaths and practicing enjoying these moments more so than ever.
I can’t believe another little nugget is just around the corner. And I’m so curious to see Ellie become a big sister.
Okay, and maybe I’m just a littttttle bit anxious about what that next phase will look like all together!
It’s so hard to tell people about the motherhood journey in “small talk”. Because either the biggest thing on your mind is how stinking cute your baby was when she was reading books this morning (& the person listening will never get it & quite frankly think you’re boring &/or annoying) or how freaking awful it was trying to get her into the car with 4 baby dolls, 3 snacks and “this hat”, not the first three you tried (& the person listening will think you are ridiculous). So it always comes out “wrong”. . . as either all silly rainbows or all total-complete sh*tstorm. . . when the reality is, it’s BOTH simultaneously. It’s literally pure joy and ecstasy and total chaos every day of the motherhood year. Even right now, during COVID-19. . .there are days we don’t get out of our pajamas and can’t seem to find the floor of the living room and aren’t sure if we’ve eaten a vegetable the last 3 days, but I’m still in total awe of what an incredible little person is developing right before my eyes.
And how she is changing me, too. How she is showing me what matters and how to slow down and WHY.
And really, she’s showing me ME. She’s showing me who I am and who I want to be more of and what I am ready to release.
And she’s showing me how I need to be there for my Self. Especially in all the ways my parents couldn’t be there for me.
So, if you’ve heard me complaining a bunch recently - - please know how entirely fulfilled and grateful I am for my life.
Or, if you’ve heard me raving about my little munchkin, the bundle in my belly and my family as a whole - - please know how we are finding breaths in the oh so very difficult things that confront us each day, too.
Being a mama, and being a full-time one, is glorious and it is a gift and it is a privilege. And I am so very grateful I get to be here for nearly all of the moments.
And, it is lonely and isolating and confusing and heavy and sometimes, frankly, suffocating. Sometimes, I forget who I “used to be” and sometimes, I see other people forgetting that, too. Or not seeing it at all.
Because, yes, I am a Mom. AND, I am so much more.
And it feels like most people miss that when they see me with my munchkin.
I want to be a Mom 100% of the time and I want to be other things, too.
Sometimes, being a mama is so easy. Sometimes, my days flow. And sometimes, it’s so hard. It’s so monotonous. And, no matter how much I “do”, it doesn’t feel like enough- I fee so unproductive and so unseen.
And no matter who I talk to about it, it doesn’t feel like anyone “gets it”.
And I’m realizing, maybe, I’m the only one who ever will.
That’s why I must make space for my self. That’s what, I’m practicing holding my own hand, giving my self a (hand on the heart) hug, and looking in the mirror and loving Me no matter what. I am practicing saying, “Ugh. This is hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this” (without the self-pity-party). What a thing to learn: to comfort myself and allow myself to experience pain without becoming a victim to it. It’s not easy. But I’m spending more time with this.
As the holidays near, and the anticipation brings intense feelings of joyful excitement, fear of let down, and the intense missing of lost loved ones, I am reminding myself to sit and find my space. May it be a few minutes in the morning, after a hot shower, or before bed.
This heaviness, it’s here for now and I can learn to be the one to hold myself. One hand’s on my heart and the other is on my belly. I breath deep until I feel some tension release and I let myself know that what I’m experiencing sucks and I am sorry. Then I open my eyes and find my little nugget and squeeze her up.
This joy, it’s here for now and I deserve it. I let the corners of my mouth turn up and thank the Universe for these blessings. I ask for reminders to share more with others.
What is making you feel most alone? How do you want others to see you that you feel you’re not being seen? What joys are you experiencing that you haven’t taken a moment to soak in a bath full of bubbles in?
I’m practicing being that person for Me. I’m not saying “I’ve got this!” but the awareness and attention are there and so it’s becoming a practice. And practice is what I aim for these days - not perfection.
I’m creating that loving space for my Self first, in order to allow others to be able to enter it.
This isn’t something I’ve done for most of my past. But I’m ready now. I’m ready to hold space for myself in the hardships and hold space for myself in the successes, honoring each feeling without attachment or ego. And it doesn’t feel scary or like extra work, and I’m not embarrassed to share it and, truthfully, it’s necessary. . . for me, & for my munchkins & for my family.
Wanna join?
with love
m.
jaime
Upcoming Things:
a New Year
Intention Setting Circle
*first week of January 2021
Who wants to sit with company (on Zoom) & connect to what’s calling out to us this coming year?
*I’m thinking we all bring a cup of tea, a candle & wear something cozy. . .
*We’ll make a few organic movements with our bodies: sitting, standing or simply lying down (cameras on or cameras off)
*We’ll see if we can breathe a little deeper. . . make our breaths a little longer. . .
We’ll ask a question & spend some time creating something to see what emerges.
And then we’ll come together & share.
When Ellie was in the midst of her meltdown/(breakthrough), she didn’t want me to pick her up & save her. . . but she also didn’t want me to walk away and make her go through it alone. She simply wanted a loving witness.
Let me know if you’d be interested.