Baby Number Two, Coming in Two...

I’m supposed to have another baby in about two weeks!
And, our intention is that she will be born here at home with us.

My first born’s due date was Feb 2, and this one is Jan 20, so I have had two very similar pregnancies, in terms of the timing of things. I remember having the same feelings I am having now this time of year before Ellie was born.

It’s 8.5 LONG months of “waiting”, where every day and week that passed still made the “due date” feel like FOREVER away. . . and then . . . the holidays come and go and I’m like, “Holy crap!!!! I’m gonna have a baby, like, tomorrow!”

And then I proceed to frantically clean, wash and organize (and re-organize) every room and closet in the house for 14 “it gonna be tomorrow” days.

This time is a little bit different, though, because I have a toddler.

Let’s start there.

When I started this blog, I set a goal for myself to share something on every New & Full Moon. Well, I missed the last share-date and up until a few minutes ago, I was about to give up on sharing this time around all together. And then I realized, if I don’t do it now, I probably won’t do it in quite some time. Seeing as my due date is Jan 20, I have a feeling I will be pretty preoccupied in the coming weeks.

And, truth be told, a big reason I haven’t been prepared to share is because I haven’t been as committed to my practices lately. My belly is big and I am uncomfortable. It’s hard to get up off the couch and out of bed, it’s hard to put on my shoes, and I lose my breath after a flight of stairs. . . or just a long sentence. Seriously.

And I can’t just avoid those things. On the contrary, I do most of those things 12948 times a day because, well, toddlerhood. And not just toddlerhood, but my child is strong-willed, vocal, expressive, intuitive and uninhibited. That was a very nice way to write that. I should read that out loud when I’m describing her to my husband after trying to get her dressed for bed. . .

But, basically, I haven’t been able to muster up even enough energy or mental will power to sit on my meditation cushion, roll out my yoga mat, or open my journal.

It’s been a trying time for me and most nights I’ve gone to bed recently, I haven’t felt very good about how I managed the day. And, without fail, I am up between 2am and 3am every. single. night . . . and by the time I’m finally falling back asleep around 4:30am. . . my husband is getting up for the day, closely followed by said strong-willed daughter, so I am waking up mostly asleep on the daily.

sigh.

But, alas, there’s a break in every storm. Today, during yet another failed toddler nap attempt, I successfully shifted my mood. Lately, I successfully shift my mood like .03% of the time. So I am celebrating today’s success big time.

My little sweet toddler cutie pie nugget (I promise you, I love and adore her very, very much) was screaming in her crib in true nap boycott form. I was folding my third mound of laundry and my heart began racing. “Why won’t she nap? How can she not nap? She’s too young. She isn’t sleeping enough. . . “ Oh the spirals were growing and spiraling.

I walked into the other room and sat down by myself for a minute. A very long, full of deep breathing kind of minute. I walked myself through a number of scenarios in my head about what might be going on for her. I found compassion. I found us on the same team. It generally doesn’t feel like she wants to be on my team . . .This is an extrapolation, but it stems from a series of articulate statements from her like “No, mama, NOOOO!” “Ellie do it, mama. ELLIEEE DOOOO ITTTT.” Accompanied by a loving push or a sprint in the other direction.

Anyways, I managed to slow my racing heart. And, miraculously, come up with a new plan.

I entered her room with my lavender mist weapon in hand. I calmly told her that it was “magic rest spray” and she needed to lay down. She immediately quieted as I spritzed each part of her body and said “Ellie’s foot is going sleepy. Ellie’s leg is going sleepy. . .”

Spoiler alert: Ellie’s nothing went sleepy.

BUT, that’s not the point.

We tried something new. I felt better. She seemed to like it.

And, we can try again tomorrow.

I haven’t been able to say that in a longggg time. I’ve mostly just cried and begged the heavens to come rescue me from my insomnia, my massive expanding body, and my inability to manage a day of meltdowns, messy rooms and meals.

And, even though she didn’t nap, she laid in her crib and talked to her baby doll and read her “Bob Marley book” and I sat next to her and . . . I meditated.

I meditated!

I haven’t been able to do that in awhile either. But, instinctively, I just put one hand on my belly where baby number two has been kicking and the other hand on my heart and I said to myself in my mind, “This is so hard. I’m sorry this has been so hard. We will all be okay. You are actually doing okay.” And I quite literally felt my entire body sink a bit deeper into the chair. I kept breathing and meditating to the beautiful sound of Ellie’s sweet voice reading her book and talking to her baby and saying “foot go sleepy. leg go sleepy. ear go sleepy”. And I smiled, softly and genuinely. And I imagined how good baby number two must feel inside listening to her big sister and to the sounds of my deep rolling breaths. And I was so glad I chose this over crying in my closet.

They said that the Peace Corps was the “toughest job you’ll ever love” and it certainly was in my 20s.

I don’t think you compare the two, but motherhood gives that statement a run for it’s money for sure. It’s hard for me to admit that. Because I’ve wanted to be a Mom my entire life and I thoroughly adore children and love nothing more but watching them play and grow and seeing how I can nurture each of their innate’s genius. I actually do believe I’m quite good at that. But, I also thought I’d be better at this other stuff. Or, maybe I just didn’t think it would be this hard or test me so much. . . either way . . .This is the toughest job I’ve ever loved so very much.

And, so here I am, doubting myself as a mother as I prepare to mother another. . .

fun times.

I cried again today. But not in despair. I watched a home-birthing video and I cried in joy and relief and excitement and overwhelm and, honestly, in peace of mind. I felt this wave that said “Jaime, you’re being ridiculous. It’s all gonna work out. You’re worrying about so much over nothing. All is well.” And, for the first time in a long time, I believed it.

I pictured our first home birth and I remembered the incredible feeling of looking down at my baby for the first time and then crawling into our bed and feeling the weight of her gorgeous little body on top of me for the first time out of womb. It’s so hard to put that feeling in words, but man is it a game-changer. And I imagined that same sensation coming again in just a few weeks. I feel so blessed and grateful and excited. And I am so curious to see Ellie’s reaction to “baby sister”, as she has been talking about her for months.

Our vision is an un-medicated, largely unassisted birth at home. Although, we do pray and intend for our midwife and doula to be here!!! There are so very many reasons for this decision that I gladly share with any and all who are curious. But, in essence, it’s based on my/our belief that birth is a natural and normal process that the body instinctively knows how to do on it’s own. It’s my job to choose and create an environment where my mind & ego can become quiet enough to assist my body and to join the flow instead of fight it. And, in some strange way that I can’t explain other than it’s just what my gut wants, I want to fully feel and be present for it all. I promise you that’s not how I ended up feeling when I was crowning (ha!) but that’s just a quick moment that comes and goes, right? RIGHT?!?! So, here’s to that.

Send prayers & good vibes our way in these coming days. . .

It takes a village.

It really, truly, completely does. So much more to say on that to come. . .

I hope this share finds you and your loved ones safe and healthy and well and with some form of community surrounding you. And, if you aren’t feeling or experiencing some or any of that right now, please know that you are not alone. I need to hear that more often than I do, so, I’m saying that for us all. I know for me, the hard moments and hard days and hard weeks have a tendency to convince me that this is the way my life is always and forever will be. And, that’s not the case. There’s an ebb & flow to everything. This too shall pass. Ask for help. At some point, the right kind will show up.

mmmmmm.

I just hummed to myself in exhalation and relief and so in true authenticity I’m typing that sound out to share it with you. Did you know that humming sound and the vibration of your lips tells your brain and body to relax and open up? Just now it happened instinctively, but it’s also a trick to use in labor and childbirth.

perfect timing.

trust in the Universe’s perfect timing of things.

thinking of you all.

m.

jaime