Am I Having a Baby?
“Am I having a baby?”
That’s pretty much how I wake up in the middle of the night every night lately. As it turns out, I usually just have to pee really, really badly. And by usually, I mean, that’s always the case. Obviously, as I still do not have a baby.
I’m officially 40 weeks pregnant now, if all the calculations have been correct. And based on numerous googling efforts, second babies tend to be 40weeks +3days on average. So, there we go. Perhaps by the weekend I will wake up in the middle of the night at 3am per usual and start having a baby, as opposed to just being on the toilet for the 175th time that day.
The end of pregnancy is strange. At times, I just can’t wait to be in labor. I’m curious about the contractions and how I will handle them. I can’t wait to meet this baby. I can’t wait to be able to move freely in my body again. And I can’t wait to no longer have to carry this big, heavy, tense belly around.
And then the next moment I’m like, “Oh my God. What am I doing!? I can’t have another baby! I don’t know how to haaaave another baby. And I really don’t know what to do with two!”
One day I’m frantically washing all the clothes and cleaning and preparing the house for labor and birth because. . . it could happen tonight(!) …
. . . And the next day I’m savoring all the quiet moments while Ellie is napping or playing nicely. . .enjoying these last few moments of one and some extra time to myself.
Recently, during some of that quiet time, I finally took some moments to reflect on 2020 and get a bit clearer on what I want in my heart for 2021. It felt really good. Really grounding and centering and lifting.
Primarily, I’ve been working on visualizing the first forty days of healing and connecting during my post Partum period. Then, the months after that, I will hopefully be able to carve out some more space for Me again. It’s felt really good to put some things into place so that I will have the support I need in the first 40 days - which I firmly believe are crucial to mama, baby, and family’s long term health & happiness. I wish it was more of a typical thing of in our culture to prioritize this, but I’m grateful for my midwife & doula and people in my community that have emphasized the value of setting up this supportive space. While it might have become a privilege, historically it was the norm in most cultures. It takes a village. It does. I wish we could return to this notion as the necessity that it is for mamas, babies, families & communities. I’m so grateful to my husband, sisters & Mom for all the meals and support they’ve been setting us up with.
Anyways, after flipping through my journals from 2020 and taking a moment to sit with all that this past year was, I realized that there was, in fact, much more good that happened last year than I might have realized if I hadn’t taken the time to appreciate it. I also found lots of opportunities for change and growth, which I now feel empowered and excited to take on. Before this reflection, I was really just beginning to become complacent with what have become rather mediocre days. Happy to say that I am now feeling much more invigorated for the birth of this baby and the birth of new days to come.
Here is what I am most grateful for:
“With each gift that you share, may you heal & repair” -Xavier Rudd, Messages. Mmmm. Found that lyric from that beautiful song on the first page of my journal. What a potent reminder that our gifts are our service to our selves and this world.
I had the opportunity to engage in some part-time work tutoring Spanish. At first, I wasn’t sure if I could manage it, but it quickly became something that brought me closer to my Self and my sense of purpose and passions.
I finally created this website that I’ve carried in my heart for so, so long!
Rituals! Morning rituals (and whenever I could make time for others) saved my life! So grateful to my husband, who would take Ellie and our dog on long morning walks all summer long. I would have the house to myself for a bit of time and would take luxurious showers, cover myself in essential oils, practice yoga, breathe, meditate and write. It was life changing. Also, just rituals in general. Little five min moments of coffee cup cradling and looking out the window. Morning trips to Teatown with Ellie. Getting outside in our backyard every morning and doing a loop around the house to see what we would see. I’m not huge on routine, but I like the semi-structured flow of rituals. Maybe its just a linguistic thing, but the perspective that I don’t have to be super rigid and attached to a timely order of things has helped me create a daily flow that has dependability with elements of joy and surprise.
We moved Ellie into a crib and she began sleeping through the night. Wow. Can’t believe that was just last year. What a difference that made in our lives! Although, I will forever miss waking up to her cute smiley, snuggly face nestled against me . . . sigh & sobs. . .
I joined a local yoga studio! Oh man, did I love going there. And, as quickly as that happened, COVID19 happened. . .
I got a babysitter to help here and there, so I could tutor and it allowed me to have some time for ME again. It also helped break Ellie’s dependency on being with me and pretty much only me from sun-up til sun-down. That was also life changing! AND I got over my “guilt” about it.
I joined some full moon circles, mama groups, and a revival dance workshop (which is pretty outside my typical element) and it felt so good to be wild & free and in community.
I got pregnant again! And was fortunate enough to have a healthy, full-term pregnancy.
I finally created a more legit home garden and compost and had more fun than I could have imagined being in there with Ellie. She would help me put things in the compost and turn it and pick tomatoes and kale and cucumbers and taste them. I’m so excited for her to be growing up connected to her food sources.
“Don’t quit before the miracle.” Oh, that reminder. There have been many days where the mud feels like it’s gonna be mud forever so I might as well just lie down and sink in it. (I may have done just that a few times). But, if you can manage to breathe and look up again, just then, something sprouts. . . reminding me that you never know what tomorrow will bring, things can change overnight, and if you keep going, one day, something clicks. . . and. . . it’s glorious.
We had wonderful family trips to the beach and upstate that have left beautiful markings on my mind and heart and spirit.
I made more art. Mostly doodles. But, it was fun and freeing and liberating.
I joined some healing workshops and treated myself to some treasures I wouldn’t typically “allow” myself.
I began writing and sharing again more openly, which has allowed me to connect more deeply to myself and others and build a more connected community. It’s allowed me to air out my shame, which has helped it to evaporate in the company of the clouds of others. Hey, we’re all human. And most mamas (& humans) really are trying their darnedest. And, it’s allowed me to say, out loud, “Hey, I’m proud of this and being proud of myself is okay and good.”
And, just in case tonight is the night, I thought it’d be nice to document where we are at currently:
It’s baby’s due date! I am tired and tight . . . and very grateful for the opportunity to carry you full term. We saw our midwife yesterday and she confirmed that all is well. Ellie’s facial expressions upon hearing your heart beat and holding the doppler are the sweetest. Before the appointment, Ellie and I stopped by a local coffee shop in Hastings and got bagels and it was a cute little outing together. She hopped around the shop happily. It made me smile.
Yesterday was the inauguration of Biden & Kamala Harris! It made me tear up to live through this, especially with little girls of my own in my life now. Amanda Gorman shared the most beautiful, powerful inaugural poem, which is shared at the end of this blog.
There’s a beautiful orange fox that keeps visiting us in our backyard. I trust it is bringing good signs.
It’s been almost a full year of the COVID19 pandemic and social distancing, mask wearing, and honestly, lots of stress and fear and loneliness. It’s also allowed “Dadda” to be around for so many things, of which we are supremely grateful.
I’ve been trying to imagine every day with little Els as our last days of just us. . . which has caused me to slow down, look more deeply in her eyes and pay closer attention to everything she is thinking and doing and becoming. We have had lots of special moments in the backyard chasing bubbles and playing with Cash, making coffee and tea and salad in her play kitchen, doing check-ups and legos in the living room, and singing “Bob Marley song” every. single. car ride. These last few reflective days also made me realize one of my biggest intentions for 2021. . .
For 2021, what is MOST on my heart?
I’d like to work on finding joy more in the monotony of days that don’t have something exciting on the calendar. Not that our days aren’t full of fun and smiles. . . they often are. But, truthfully, many days of COVID have been hard and lonely and mostly just filled with food prep, serving, cleaning up. . . living room play & cleanup . . .laundry. . . and praying for a good nap. I’ve become so attached to nap time that I realize it’s sorta become the highlight of my day. Which, quite frankly, is a bit depressing. I’m ready to come up with some new rituals for our days that provide us all with more opportunities for feelings of joy & connection, passion, purpose & rest and respite, too.
Well, the night is young my friends. Am I having a baby tonight??
Trust. . .
Trust the timing of things.
m.
Jaime
Inaugural Poem 2021, Amanda Gorman
When day comes we ask ourselves,
where can we find light in this never-ending shade?
The loss we carry,
a sea we must wade
We've braved the belly of the beast
We've learned that quiet isn't always peace
And the norms and notions c c
of what just is
Isn’t always just-ice
And yet the dawn is ours
before we knew it
Somehow we do it
Somehow we've weathered and witnessed
a nation that isn’t broken
but simply unfinished
We the successors of a country and a time
Where a skinny Black girl
descended from slaves and raised by a single mother
can dream of becoming president
only to find herself reciting for one
And yes we are far from polished
far from pristine
but that doesn’t mean we are
striving to form a union that is perfect
We are striving to forge a union with purpose
To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and
conditions of man
And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us
but what stands before us
We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,
we must first put our differences aside
We lay down our arms
so we can reach out our arms
to one another
We seek harm to none and harmony for all
Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true:
That even as we grieved, we grew
That even as we hurt, we hoped
That even as we tired, we tried
That we’ll forever be tied together, victorious
Not because we will never again know defeat
but because we will never again sow division
Scripture tells us to envision
that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree
And no one shall make them afraid
If we’re to live up to our own time
Then victory won’t lie in the blade
But in all the bridges we’ve made
That is the promise to glade
The hill we climb
If only we dare
It's because being American is more than a pride we inherit,
it’s the past we step into
and how we repair it
We’ve seen a force that would shatter our nation
rather than share it
Would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy
And this effort very nearly succeeded
But while democracy can be periodically delayed
it can never be permanently defeated
In this truth
in this faith we trust
For while we have our eyes on the future
history has its eyes on us
This is the era of just redemption
We feared at its inception
We did not feel prepared to be the heirs
of such a terrifying hour
but within it we found the power
to author a new chapter
To offer hope and laughter to ourselves
So while once we asked,
how could we possibly prevail over catastrophe?
Now we assert
How could catastrophe possibly prevail over us?
We will not march back to what was
but move to what shall be
A country that is bruised but whole,
benevolent but bold,
fierce and free
We will not be turned around
or interrupted by intimidation
because we know our inaction and inertia
will be the inheritance of the next generation
Our blunders become their burdens
But one thing is certain:
If we merge mercy with might,
and might with right,
then love becomes our legacy
and change our children’s birthright
So let us leave behind a country
better than the one we were left with
Every breath from my bronze-pounded chest,
we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one
We will rise from the gold-limbed hills of the west,
we will rise from the windswept northeast
where our forefathers first realized revolution
We will rise from the lake-rimmed cities of the midwestern states,
we will rise from the sunbaked south
We will rebuild, reconcile and recover
and every known nook of our nation and
every corner called our country,
our people diverse and beautiful will emerge,
battered and beautiful
When day comes we step out of the shade,
aflame and unafraid
The new dawn blooms as we free it
For there is always light,
if only we’re brave enough to see it
If only we’re brave enough to be it.