Stop Trying
If you’ve been reading what I’ve been writing lately, then you know that I’ve been pretty deep in the mud. It was a culmination of lots of challenging things happening simultaneously, predominantly two little children not sleeping at the same time. Which meant my husband and I were not sleeping, like, at all.
I don’t know just how long I was stuck for, but it felt like forever. And I convinced myself it would be that way for the rest of my live long days.
I was so. very. overwhelmed.
. . . frustrated, exhausted, sad, lonely, depleted . . .
And I was so determined to
fix it.
How?
How did I do it? How did I fix it all to get where I am today?
Well, I started by trying.
Trying really, really hard.
Non-stop.
I set goals and intentions.
I made lists of people that might be able to help.
I started sharing my story with people in conversations and emails and phone calls.
I signed up for parenting courses and listened to podcasts all night in between baby wakings and toddler illnesses, determined to consume all the knowledge it took to understand what was happening so that I could manage better tomorrow. I had to do better tomorrow.
I sought out all the best pediatric doctors, traditional and not, that knew about Lyme disease and I made appointment after appointment collecting resources and remedies.
I scheduled session after session with my life coach, as well as exploring other options for mental health support.
I interviewed babysitters and part-time nannies. I thought about an au pair and eventually had someone come to be with my baby at night for a week so I could try to catch up on 2 months of sleep in seven days time.
I began to do some part-time work again, partly in order to separate myself some from the struggles at home. And partly because I felt like I needed to justify being away from my kids. And, ultimately, because I was finally able to surrender and admit to myself & others (without shame this time) that I wanted to do some things outside of Mom-ing.
I tried to practice yoga a bit when I could, to try to lessen my back pain and headaches and to gain some better perspective on things. . .
And then,
when even the yoga felt like a chore and I realized none of this was really “working”, in the sense that I was still tired and tense and snapping at my kids, it hit me:
I was trying too freaking hard.
I still remember the day I laughed by accident. Yea, I was talking to someone and she made me laugh and I wasn’t expecting it and I felt it in my belly and all of a sudden I realized it had been SO long since I’d laughed freely. And I felt this vibration and lightness and I realized
I was doing it all wrong.
I had been so desperate to find solutions that I sent myself into overdrive trying to do all the things that I knew were things that should help. I did this so much so, that I defeated the purpose of actually doing these things.
I was so attached to the results, that I wasn’t present in the processes.
And it’s in the process that we find the answers.
I was stuck in my head “fixing” and the tension was stuck in my body . . .
the solutions were stuck sitting in my spirit . . .
And I wasn’t accessing any of them.
When I was just fixating on yoga poses to release stress or to complete the vinyasas just to say I completed them, I wasn’t able to do either. It’s in the grounding of my feet and the listening to my bones and breathing that helps me find whatever it is that is seeking me. This I know in theory and from past practices.
This is what I’d been missing.
It’s in the rest and the play that we find release.
It made me think of when I visited Google’s HQ in NYC years and years ago, and as they gave us a tour of the layout, they pointed out how there was a snack & play station every set amount of meters. This was because the founders realized that the best ideas come to us when our minds are actually turned off and were relaxed chatting with friends over a snack or a ping pong table.
I wasn’t giving myself any breaks because I felt like I couldn’t afford them, with all I had to accomplish. And yet, it was the pauses & the gaps that would have served me the most.
When we stop trying. . .when we stop coaxing the answers to come...
and instead we give in to what’s before us. . . . .
the answers arrive like little seeds surprising us by sprouting out of the ground, sometimes even out of season.
Giving IN is different than giving up.
Giving in is acceptance.
After laughing by accident that day, I had a call with my life coach. And I said to her, “I actually think I need to just stop doing all of this and just have fun with a friend.” And she could tell by the way my voice sounded that I had landed on something.
”This is all so much. It’s so hard. I am so tired. I have nothing left to give.” And that was exactly it. I just needed to stop for a minute. A little bit of play, in whatever form we can find it, (and probably a lot more rest than most of us get) is FUNDAMENTAL to life. It’s not a luxury.
Rest and play return us to a state of joy and relaxation. They bring flow and openness. They allow us to become child-like and curious again.
With all of these struggles, I had begun to take life SO seriously. SO seriously that there was no buoyancy in anything I was doing. Everything was rigid and tense and one wrong move and I (we) would all topple.
That week, while I had a babysitter, I canceled all of my to-dos and had lunch with a friend. No guilt or distractions. I got out of my head for the first time in awhile. And most days since I’ve felt like a new human.
I still screw up tons and tons. But it doesn’t feel like my world is crumbling every morning and every night anymore.
I don’t know guys. I don’t know if “trying really hard” is perhaps a stepping stone in my journey. I think I might always operate that way. I’ll just paddle my brains out for awhile first until I look up and find myself totally exhausted in the same spot on my boat. . . And then I’ll finally realize that I just have to give in to the sh*ttiness of the state of my boat eventually in order to be able to sit for a second and ride the waves.
But I’m here now. I’m okay and I’m good. And I’m writing and painting again.
And I have a thousand reminders plastered all over my walls and windows that are probably driving my husband crazy, but they remind me to: REST & PLAY.
Not just because self-care is trending, but because it keeps me from going back to operating in survival mode - which was a seriously difficult way to live full time.
So, I didn’t “fix it”. I stopped trying. I gave into the mud and the chaos and put down my oars long enough to feel the current for a second.
Rest & play open me. An open me is more receptive to possibilities and more curious instead of critical. A more receptive and curious me is a better mama and wife and friend and human.
who laughs.
