Being Seen (is not seeking attention)
I don’t care much about being celebrated. And I’m not that afraid of being scrutinized. I just want to be seen.
It’s taken me much of my lifetime to become this way.
Here’s a little yellow iris flower I watercolored a few weeks ago. It’s not terrible, nor is it terrific. And it doesn’t matter.
Here’s what it IS:
-a moment in time when I’m not trapped in my head
-a few minutes where I’m sitting, free and present, with music on, not chasing a never-ending to-do list on autopilot
-my creative energy on paper
-my anxious mind, calmed
-light hearted, whimsical play - a carefree disruption in my (sometimes mundane, sometimes Me-less) routine
-a connection to my source; a pause to take inventory of what’s inside me, what’s brewing and what matters. . .
Growing up, I hated being in the spotlight. I was always exploding with thoughts as a child in school, but seldom rose my hand. I loved playing sports, but eventually shied away from many of them, because of how I was constantly being measured. Even in my adult life, I’ve kept much of my creative expressions to myself because I’ve worried the world wouldn’t like them. . . I’ve even convinced myself there wasn’t a place for them in this world at all.
It wasn’t until the recent years of my life that I realized that I wanted to create and to share simply because it brought me joy and relief.
A few years ago I began a practice. Whenever I would share something, whether it was a piece of art, my yoga practice, or my writing, I would practice
taking nothing personal: not the celebrations nor the scrutinies.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate or consider the feedback. . . it’s just that that’s not what drives me (or prevents me) to share. It’s that when someone says “wow!” or “well, the thing is. . .” it doesn’t hit me in my gut and shoot up to my ego-mind immediately telling me “see, you’re worthy!” or “see, you dumb@$$”.
I trust that my sharings will reach the “right” people. If it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing. And if you feel it, it’s probably because you’ve been where I am and there’s a piece of you that wants to rub up next to a piece of me just to let me know: “hey. yes. it’s not as scary now that I know we’re in it together.”
That’s the place I’m at now. Realizing I need to be seen more. If I’m hiding any or all parts of me, it means that my ego is still in control. It means I’m still worried what other people will think of me. And, it means I’m preventing my own growth.
So, I’ve set an intention to allow myself to be seen more. Because I’m committed to growing. For my kids and my family. . . for my Self and for my community.
Brene Brown talks about her realization that we can only overcome our shame when we have a witness. It simply can’t be processed alone. That really hit me. . . Sometimes, I carry thoughts/fears inside me and they become SO heavy and SO dark that I genuinely believe they will soon swallow me up from the inside. And then, when I finally say them out loud to someone, I realize, oh, this isn’t as painful & as scary as I thought. Sometimes, I even see a solution hiding around a nearby corner.
So, here’s what my recent commitment to “being seen” looks like:
saying Yes when someone offers to stop by or help with something, even if I/we/my home looks like a total disaster
saying Yes when someone offers me a cool opportunity, even if my ego tells me “you are not good enough for that”
telling people (that I feel safe with) about my struggles and insecurities
sharing pieces of my mind/heart/creative writings & drawings
practicing yoga with other people again . . . & hopefully soon teaching/guiding
I wonder if by doing this more for my Self, I can also practice it more with my children.
“Oh, Ellie, you created something with your blocks. with your crayons. You’re smiling. It made you happy. You worked hard on it. That must feel good.”
I don’t want her to be motivated to make things because I think they’re beautiful or because she made me happy. . .
“Oh, Emma. You are having a difficult time with that. I know. It’s hard. I see you. I am here.”
I don’t want to try to make all my children’s difficult feelings go away. I want them to know they are able to feel all their feelings. They are capable. And I am here with them.
Yes. I want this.
And. This is so hard in practice.
Yes.
And. Many of us were raised to be people-pleasers seeking external motivation. So, this is a learning curve and a process of un-learning and it’s ok that we will mess up.
Yes.
And. still worth it.
If anyone wants to come make ugly-beautiful-unlabeled things with us just for the hell of it let me know.