I Don't Let Myself Think About You
today
and most days recently
have been those kind of days
where I don’t let myself think of you.
you were so big.
in stature.
in mood.
in personality.
you made me laugh harder than anyone I know.
you made me cry harder than anyone I know.
some days
it was too hard.
other days
were so full of possibility.
the vacancy
of you
on this Earth
today
is so big
im afraid
that if I let myself think of you
I will get sucked right in.
I miss you.
it’s just that.
nothing more.
but on this day
in particular
the anniversary of your passing
my mind goes to other things. . .
like your body
in Nevada.
I hate that.
that always makes me nauseous
to say
to write
even just to begin to think about.
so I dont let myself.
but all these days of not thinking about it
of keeping the thoughts hidden
and secret
and suffocated
little by little
suffocate me.
so I put it all down on paper last night.
all the what ifs
and how?s
about Nevada
and your body
and the motorcyle
and the dust on the road
and the people who called for help
and the flashing lights
and
well
all the other really awful shitty
gut wrenching
nauseating
question marks
that I hate that I dont know
and that I cant fucking imagine
trying to find out.
I gave myself like three minutes
to put it all down on paper last night
all the sickening things
frantically writing in scribbles
behind blurry, flooding eyes
as if I were there
until my hand cramped
and my body had
rigomortous
and then I threw the pen down
and I cried really hard.
and then after awhile
I found my breath
and I felt a little bit of relief.
oh man.
it’s still so surreal
that this is how it is.
I miss you.
sometimes
I like to picture how you’d be with my Els
and sweet little Emma.
and how they would be with you.
but that just ends up hurting
too fucking much too.
so
I simply cannot let myself contemplate that
for more than three seconds either.
I regret waiting
until 9pm today
to let myself think about you.
because its not fair to you, is it?
because
I miss you
and wanted to think about you sooner.
but
how?
how would I have gotten through today
with E & e if I had?
look at me now.
all I want to do
is crawl into your
non-existent grave
and hug you
until I have no
question-full tears
and last-word-less things
to cry about.
what a horrible ending.
yet
you flew
and its just how
it had to be.
-
I miss you, Dad.
and I love you.
xoxxoxoxo