I Cry
Not like its thaaaat unusual, but I cried this morning in yoga class.
Hopefully by now you know that I fully embrace my emotions.
Towards the end of class today we were “shaking it out”. A sort of biomimicry - inspired by how animals shake out their nervous systems after a chase or an attack. It always begins for me like a subtle shaking, still caught in my self-consciousness. But then after awhile I loosen up. Start shaking more freely. More flowy. Til it finally feels good. Mmmmm.
Then…
Eventually, more violently.
Even ugly-ly.
Like aggressive and a bit angry, even.
Shaking into all the BS that I’ve store up over the years since when I first learned to judge myself and absorb other people’s crap in childhood.
And then, like, desperate.
Like shrugging and swinging and pouring and dumping it all on the ground.
And then, I cry.
Slowing down my shakes and settling into my body, just how it is today and in this moment, but also how it’s always been, I cried.
One of the best gifts of motherhood is that I am finally beginning to fully realize and embody that I no longer have time for BS. I no longer have time for limitations.
No more self-limiting beliefs, people, projects or perspectives.
I have lived with the idea that I’m not good enough and not deserving enough most of the 34 years I’ve been on this planet. I accepted that for so long. I was afraid to change it. Didn’t know how
Then, with new tools and support systems, I started battling that belief.
And now I have no time for it.
I am blessed & eternally grateful to be surrounded by a small group of mama friends & loving people who fight for me. for us. Who hear me when I’m deep in the lows and high in the highs and honor that.
People who refuse to settle for shitty systems and ways of walking this planet that no longer serve or that silently suppress.
I need integrating and I need integrity and I have found the ones and the ways that bring me back to that.
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In yoga class today, our teacher said at one point, “to do whatever your body wants to do. to fully express yourself - no hesitations.”
I felt that, deeply. I cried that we don’t always live that way.
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I talked to my mama friend lately about the things I wanna write about, but that I’m afraid for _____ to read. I worried what some people might think if they read me writing that way about those kind of things.
(Not writing those things made me feel smaller. More silent. Less me).
She encouraged me to write. To share. That it will reach the right people at the right time.
And there’s something in my writing that liberates me. And I need liberation daily.
So, I’m finally writing more freely.
Sometimes uglier.
Sometimes, desperate.
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These days I finally look at other womxn in all shapes and forms and see them as beautiful, powerful, allies. I don’t feel threatened or intimidated or full of judgments. It feels impossible for me not to see all as sacred and beautiful.
Why and when and how did they try to make us be any other way?
This spring I’m stepping more into my beliefs. That life is abundant and that if people are hungry lets build a bigger table. That my womxnhood is sacred. That I am powerful and fierce and soft and open and kind. And needed. That the world wants and needs my gifts and it’s my duty to share them.
This summer I’m putting on my bathing suit for me. You’re welcome to look at me through the lens of your limiting judgments, or come and sit beside me in our togetherness. Either way, I’m gonna be out there to feel the sun on my skin. To sink into all the places in me that are holding on to past hurts and heavy shit. To sigh out all the loveliness that too lives in me - inherited and learned and borrowed from all the beauty in my life. My body is finally fully mine.
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Mmmm.
It felt good to shake and to cry this morning
And to be in this place of belonging and bullshit-lessness.
I dont know why it took becoming a mama to break free this way.
Perhaps because it broke me in ways I’ve resisted my whole life.
It broke me down and it broken me open.
And it was hard and it hurt
but now I’m here
like this
with these people.
So so deeply grateful.
.
this weekend I felt more Me than I did mama,
(on Mother’s Day)
and sometimes (more often than not) that’s what I need most.
.