Did You Lose Weight?
She says
You look like you’ve lost weight.
Have you?
Have I lost weight?
Me? Where?
Off my shoulders? Yea. i am putting down shit that i now realize never belonged to me. I am no longer saying Yes when I want to say no. I’m picking up less guilt for things I don’t need to feel responsible for. Yes. thank you. Thank you for noticing.
I’ve worked so hard to lose this weight.
Have i lost weight? Where? My belly?
I dont think so. Maybe near my ribs. I can notice my breathing happening there more now. So yea, maybe there.
A bit lower near my mid section? No. that part is just tucked into my high waisted jeans today. You know. The ones now marketed as “Mom jeans” because they need to charge us for this shit too. So yea, that part that we need specialized pants for is still thick. . . Protecting my fire, i tell myself.
Have I lost weight? Down at the lowest part of my belly, my root space, my grounding chakra? definitely not. I still feel that weight there on a regular basis. Thats my grief. Thats me clinging to the memory of my little one’s body emerging without a breath. One full minute of silence. Praying to my deceased father to let her live.
No. i havent lost that weight yet.
In my arms? Perhaps. I’m not sure what’s most visible. The fat or the muscles or the tension built up day after day of carrying babies on one side and bags and bottles and stuffed animals and shit that needs to go up the stairs and shit that needs to go down the stairs time after time again. Im not sure which it is that you see there. What weight?